Snow Patrol - You're All I Have

Sometimes I like this stupid song.

Enjoying my own company

It's important, to be able to enjoy your own company. Being alone does not have to mean being lonely. Tonight I am in a bar, and I'm drinking alone. I said that to myself and had the instant urge to divulge in self pity. Realistically speaking however, that wasn't what I was going for tonight. So forget that. This is not how the night started. I was playing trivia with friends in Somerville. They dropped me off to get the T at Porter. Not yet wanting to go home, I remembered this hole in the wall bar called Toad and as I suspected; there was good live music playing. So now I'm here, ordering a Jameson on the rocks...listening to a good blues band. Watching people. Swirling the ice in my cup. Watching the clock. Connecting with the music. Enjoying my own company. Feeling sad. Not feeling sad. Catching some flirtatious glances. Making friends with the bartender. Making small talk. I don't know any of these songs, but I like it that way. The keyboardist's hands move so fast it looks as though they are moving independently from his body. There is whiskey in my cup. It's a cold cold night. I'm alone. And it's ok.

tacenda, tacit - Tacenda are things not to be mentioned or made public—things better left unsaid; tacit means "unspoken, silent" or "implied, inferred."

See also related terms for implied.

The false love maze

How do you define love?

There is....
Sentiment,
Fantasy,
Longing,
Lust,
Obsession,
DEVOURING NEED>
Comfort,
Boredom,
Indecision,
Familiarity....

The list goes on. After a while it becomes difficult to separate these things from true love, which to me is a closeness and caring . There is a way though, to sort through the madness. Try to be present, ask the right questions, don't lose yourself before checking in with yourself on why it is that the object of your affection is so special to you in the first place.

What spurred this post was, a phone call I received earlier today from an old friend. It was nice to hear from him, and we chatted as we do, about "what's new" and how we never hang out anymore. We made tentative plans, said goodnight, and I went on with my evening as usual. It's so funny to think that there was once a time, when this guy's phone calls would turn me into a discombobulated mess!

When we met- years ago, I fell hard and fast. Whole journals were devoted to my unhealthy obsession with him. I went through long periods of ups and downs. I felt unworthy when he ignored me, and on top of the world when he so much as glanced in my direction. I allowed my whole state of emotions to be effected by whatever state our quasi-relationship was in.  It started with fantasy, then moved on to lust, and ended with longing and obsession. The majority of it... was spent in longing. Wishing that I could have been good enough for him. I felt not pretty, not cool, not worth it. Other guys couldn't make me feel that good. Or that bad. I was hooked on these highs and lows like a drug. He was the catalyst for the oxytocin rush that I was so addicted to. There was never any connection. I was just riding the emotional wave of my own ego.

The day that we finally became friends was the day that he called me after I hadn't heard from him in a few months. He explained that he had been hospitalized for manic depression. He apologized for how he treated me, and we talked. For once, we actually had a real conversation. I learned a lot more about him in that one phone call than I had the entire time that we were seeing each other. It made me realize that, had I stepped outside of my emotional tornado for a moment, it would have been obvious that he was just as fucked up as I was, and I was reading him all wrong. The whole time, I was so focused on his responses to me that I didn't even see what I was doing to myself.

 Keeping journals has allowed me to analyze the past for clues, about the circumstances that have brought me to this point. I try to break these unhealthy cycles, and move forward. Everyone gets lost in the false love maze at some point. Eventually they find personal truths in the chaos of these experiences...that is if they are smart, or lucky. Most don't. The cycles are often repeated without any lessons learned. So many people just using each other for the emotional rush. It's a sad thing to observe, and all too common.

So the next time you find yourself hopelessly, madly, ferociously "in love" with someone...ask yourself- just what does that even mean to you?

FAILURE - "Stuck on you"

A dream come true

Working at a travel agency is finally starting to pay off. I am going to SPAIN in March, for two weeks! It is going to cost me only $250 after all of my associate discounts. We are going to Madrid, and then to Valencia, and lastly Barcelona, which is the city I am most excited about. I can't wait to see all of the Gaudi architecture, eat tons of tapas, and drink all the wine! Back when I was really sick, I wrote in my journal that all I wanted was to be off in Europe, sharing a bottle of wine with good friends. It was my daydream of a life; one that I thought I wouldn't get to live from that hospital bed, and now it's going to be real! My co-worker, Shea, who has fast become a great friend is coming with me, and if we can manage to come up with the cash, Katrina might come too. I can't wait. Travel is my one true passion. I love being somewhere unfamiliar, because it is in those places that it's always easiest to find my self.

Growing up?

Tonight I was talking to my best friend, about life, love, death and all of it. The whole time, all I could think was how much she sounds like I did when I was her age. I am turning 29 on December 1st. She is 22. I tried to tell her what I would have told myself at her age, but most of those things can't be told, you have to learn it on your own. It sucks to watch her have to suffer through it when you know it's really not that hard, or it shouldn't be.
Now I am here looking through old journals. At first my thought was that I was incredibly dramatic in my early twenties. Then, it started to settle in that while younger me was dramatic, I had layers and layers of emotional depth that seems to have been turned off somewhere in the midst of it. I can't tell whether or not this is a good, or a bad thing. It's like, yeah, I was over emotional...but at least I felt something. Did I flip a switch? Did I grow up; but in a bad way, like all of our children's stories warn us about? Let my heart die? Coping mechanisms were indeed needed but... I don't think I feel music like I used to, or love as hard, or cry ever.
The other night I saw Mazzy Starr live. When she played "Into Dust" I felt myself tear up, and at that moment I realized that I hadn't felt that deeply in a very long time. It felt good. It felt real. How do I get that back? Without reverting back to the emotional mess I once was? Maybe growing up is all about finding the balance. The ever elusive balance.
Perhaps I will start by finding some good music, or a good book. Start going to poetry nights again. This blog was supposed to be more interesting, because I thought I was interesting. Every time I tried to sit down and write in it however, nothing is there. Something has to ignite the fire again. Time to find my old flame. Fall in love with me again.

Intentions, affirmations, manifestation

For the first time since last summer I am beginning to feel that my depression has completely lifted. I actually did all of the things on my list, and they really did help! Once you force small changes, big ones follow. Now that I am out of the woods I realize that while happiness comes gradually, working to sustain this state of mind will be the hard part. Luckily I have a plan. It's all about setting the right intentions and learning to be present. One of my biggest problems was that I would set impossible goals for myself, and then get upset when my abilities to reach them proved to be insufficient. Once I'm disenchanted from said goals, it is easy to lose touch with myself, and with the happiness that they temporarily allowed me to feel at the prospect of achieving them. Happiness based on future rewards will always be fleeting. Life is ever changing and goals are sometimes harmful without a foundation of intentions and gratitude for the things you have now.

Lately I have been focusing on the things I am grateful for. 

Today I am thankful to be living with my two best friends. Katrina and Monica are so much fun, and we all love each other like family. We have two adorable cats, and our apartment has really come together in such a way that it feels like a real home. 
Along with being grateful, I am going to do daily affirmations to help me manifest the things that I hope to be and achieve. The power of manifestation works by putting out your thoughts, intentions, and ideas to universe. We all do this every day whether we realize it or not. Just by thinking your thoughts- you call out to the universe and ask for the all of the things you get...in one way or another.

If you want to laugh about depression read this blog

This is the best/funniest explanation/outline of someone's experience with depression I have ever read in my entire life. I have read both part one and part two multiple times. Allie doesn't just write about depression, she has lots of other funny/relateable stories on her awesome blog "Hyperbole and a Half". Check it out, laugh your ass off; you're welcome!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Gradually, and then suddenly

So here I am riding the wave of life, just bobbing along when suddenly I realize that the wave I'm on is actually the black wave of depression. I hate it when that happens. You don't know it until you do, and by then it's usually too late to get away unscathed. Depression has been a reoccurring theme in my life, and unfortunately it's genetic. I know that it is something I will always have to deal with, and I am getting better at battling it down before it gets totally out of hand as it has in the past. I've decided to make a list of all of the things I can force myself to do in order to escape faster:

1. Do not play depression's favorite record. Step away from the Elliot Smith. Make a play-list of happy upbeat songs, the kind that make you want to run a marathon up-hill. Play it on repeat even if you don't wanna.

2. Clean and organize things. My surroundings tend to reflect my mood, and sometimes it can work both ways. Clean room, clean mind.

3. Get a good book. Preferably by Tom Robbins. Read the book.

4. Force yourself to go to the gym. Even if you only last 1/2 hour.

5. Make lists of things to do, check them off as you complete them. Idle hands are depression's favorite.


Getting out of depression is just like getting in. It happens gradually, and then suddenly.

Doesn't it seem like nothing is really surprising anymore? When something does surprise you it's usually awful, like a boot on your car or a weirdly shaped mole that looks suspiciously cancerous.

I'm waiting for a good one, and I know it's coming because honestly it's been too long.