The false love maze

How do you define love?

There is....
Sentiment,
Fantasy,
Longing,
Lust,
Obsession,
DEVOURING NEED>
Comfort,
Boredom,
Indecision,
Familiarity....

The list goes on. After a while it becomes difficult to separate these things from true love, which to me is a closeness and caring . There is a way though, to sort through the madness. Try to be present, ask the right questions, don't lose yourself before checking in with yourself on why it is that the object of your affection is so special to you in the first place.

What spurred this post was, a phone call I received earlier today from an old friend. It was nice to hear from him, and we chatted as we do, about "what's new" and how we never hang out anymore. We made tentative plans, said goodnight, and I went on with my evening as usual. It's so funny to think that there was once a time, when this guy's phone calls would turn me into a discombobulated mess!

When we met- years ago, I fell hard and fast. Whole journals were devoted to my unhealthy obsession with him. I went through long periods of ups and downs. I felt unworthy when he ignored me, and on top of the world when he so much as glanced in my direction. I allowed my whole state of emotions to be effected by whatever state our quasi-relationship was in.  It started with fantasy, then moved on to lust, and ended with longing and obsession. The majority of it... was spent in longing. Wishing that I could have been good enough for him. I felt not pretty, not cool, not worth it. Other guys couldn't make me feel that good. Or that bad. I was hooked on these highs and lows like a drug. He was the catalyst for the oxytocin rush that I was so addicted to. There was never any connection. I was just riding the emotional wave of my own ego.

The day that we finally became friends was the day that he called me after I hadn't heard from him in a few months. He explained that he had been hospitalized for manic depression. He apologized for how he treated me, and we talked. For once, we actually had a real conversation. I learned a lot more about him in that one phone call than I had the entire time that we were seeing each other. It made me realize that, had I stepped outside of my emotional tornado for a moment, it would have been obvious that he was just as fucked up as I was, and I was reading him all wrong. The whole time, I was so focused on his responses to me that I didn't even see what I was doing to myself.

 Keeping journals has allowed me to analyze the past for clues, about the circumstances that have brought me to this point. I try to break these unhealthy cycles, and move forward. Everyone gets lost in the false love maze at some point. Eventually they find personal truths in the chaos of these experiences...that is if they are smart, or lucky. Most don't. The cycles are often repeated without any lessons learned. So many people just using each other for the emotional rush. It's a sad thing to observe, and all too common.

So the next time you find yourself hopelessly, madly, ferociously "in love" with someone...ask yourself- just what does that even mean to you?