Being very cathartic right now. Sorry, not sorry

Today, has been rough for me. In fact this whole summer has been a huge let down. One after another like a domino effect my dreams have fallen out of the picture until I was left with nothing but a gaping hole of regret.

As I sit back and behold the pot-hole ridden story that is my life I wonder how did I get here? I am 30 years old. I live in an apartment with two roommates. I will be working full time yet again as a customer service rep- by this coming Monday.

My plan? Was to go back to school. I would live in a low cost apartment, on the orange line which is the same subway line that it takes to get to school. I would work a minimal job that wasn't too stressful, save some money. Go to school full time,..it was going to be perfect.

The job fell through, the apartment fell through, the investor in my college education fell through.

I thought I would die...or the equivalent of that, go live in Florida with my mom.

The decision that has haunted me my entire life was back on the table. Do I walk away, or do I try harder.

So, why is it that I want to go to school so badly? Well... I come from a long line of quitters. I lived through the worst that poverty has to offer and I cannot fathom permanently living like this, nevermind the possibility of having a kid someday. I will not perpetuate the poverty cycle.

I truly love the friends that I have made here. I still struggle with depression, it's a daily fight that I live with but so far in the past year I have been winning. Yes I had a job that I hated. I changed that. I quit. I will find a new one. Yes I don't know how I will pay for school, but guess what? There are resources that I am willing to tap out in order to do so. I don't care if I have to write a million essays and take out loans until I am so far in debt that I never think I will get out. The fact of the matter is, that I too smart for this shit.

Someone has to answer the phones...this is true. That someone? Won't  be me. Mark my fucking words.